Wednesday, February 22, 2006


I'm exhausted today... actually I'm EXHAUSTED today. It deserves all caps, the kind of exhaustion I'm experiencing. I feel like I got 2 minutes of sleep last night. I've been very stressed lately and I'm just about to blow, I think. Being stressed just erases all the effects of sleep for me. It takes hours for me to get to sleep and if I wake up at 3am, my very first thoughts will be about what I'm most stressed about and it's all over then.

People, in general, can do no right these days and I'm sorry that I feel that way but I just do. I do my very best to let people be who they want to be but then I feel like they're attacking who I am. Like the things I choose for myself are offending them. And I feel like they're throwing out double standards all over... and aiming them right at me. The things they say are not being backed up by their actions. And these are some of the people who (I feel) I make the most sacrifices for out of my own life... quite a lot of my stress is because I care so much about them... not hurting them, not disappointing them, etc. And all I want from these people is a little bit of credit or respect or consideration or aknowledgement. I don't need anyone to hold my hand to get through life... I just need to be able to trust that they aren't completely going to turn on me someday. And right now, I feel the exact opposite is true. Like no matter what, it will never be good in enough.

Maybe that is just too much to ask. Or maybe it's all just my problem. Maybe this is all just me not considering/respecting myself. Maybe I'm making myself the victim by letting other people put all of their issues on me without insisting they consider mine every once in awhile. Maybe I need to stop doing the best I can for other people and do the best I can for myself. I don't know. I'm just trying to deal and get over it. If I had it all figured out... I wouldn't be stressed, would I? Being stressed about not wanted to feel this way is only causing MORE stress. So, it really never ends.

Wouldn't it be great if you could take a vacation from life? Like a real vacation from life... just get beamed into a quiet dimension all alone for a day or two and when you come back you are just refreshed & re-energized but you didn't miss anything. Sometimes, it makes perfect sense to me why my dad lives alone on a mountain with just his dogs to keep him company. But that's probably a bit extreme at this point. I'm sure I just need a little fucking vacation or break or something. Before I start throwing things...