Sunday, February 25, 2007

Why Are These People So Orange?

So the Oscars... some thoughts... besides the obvious... which is BOR-RING:

When watching the Oscars it is very important to have your remote handy for one reason: Mute. Trust me on this one.

For starters, is it my TV or is everybody at the Oscars really fucking orange? Wait! That Little Miss Sunshine girl is white as a sheet so it is these people. Who in the makeup department did that to Leonardo Dicaprio?

The commercials during the Oscars are worse than the show itself... that one with Callisaurus Rex from Grey's Anatomy was just... zzzzzzz. I mean, she's a pretty hot chick, why wasn't she in the shower with the new Dove shower gel? No, instead, she's introducing the commercial that some random person made... it's like I made the commercial.

HOLY SHIT! What is with Jack Nicholson... he's all BALD and shit.

Ugh, why do they let Cameron Diaz on these shows? I wouldn't mind so much if she was dancing in her underwear but I kinda hate listening to her speak. And I'm not even sure she could get away with the dancing in her underwear thing anymore... girl is looking worn out. Wait, I just realized... first Britney. Now Cameron. It's the Timberlake doing this! Damn you, Timberlake!

Oh the banter. Horrible. Tom Hanks... what's the last movie he was in?

Some dude is complaining about there being no place to set down the OSCAR he just won. They should immediately take it away from him and bludgeon him with it.

OH, it's my favorite commercial! The American Express one with Wes Anderson!!! I totally have a crush on Wes Anderson. Make another movie soon, Wes! And don't forget to put Bill Murray in it, please!

Bleck, it's followed by an ode to Oprah... mood ruined.

Anne Hathaway seems to have ran into a bird on the red carpet. What is that on the front of her dress? It's looks like a furry bow. No, I'm going with bird. OOOH! Go Marie Antoinette!! Awesome! Less awesome is what the costume designer is wearing...

GAG... mute! I have no interest in any words that come out of Tom Crazy's mouth... unless they are "I am crazy and I brainwashed Katie." OMG... is he sucking on that woman's ear?

Double Ha! Ellen just dissed Beyonce to talk to Clint. Nobody loves Beyonce.

Hmmm... Gwyneth's dress... I can't decide on it. I like it but feel that her boobs are ruining it. She needs to perk those up with a good bra or something and the dress would totally achieve hotness.

OK, every time someone gets orchestraed off stage, I could swear they're playing a lullaby.

God damn, that Kfed commercial is not half bad. Way to go Britney. Your antics have made this guy look not half bad. Yes, I blame you for this, you skank. And I expect an apology when you get to that step. Or should I say, if you get to that step.

MMMMMM... Robert Downey, Jr is still hot. And Naomi Watts is so totally pregnant. There is no denying it now, honey. But she's totally adorable with her bump.

More hot people... Clive Owen & Cate Blanchett. Cate is all sparkly. Clive is yummy in all black. Oh btw... if you hadn't noticed, I'm not actually going to tell you who's winning unless I care if they won. And I don't care about 96% of these awards.

It's Clooney Grant... I'm a little over him and his need to be the new Cary Grant. Good god... mute. That American Idol chick just won. And she's cryer...

Windows Vista commercial. My take? WOW! This operating system sucks! WOW! (I'm still feeling bitter about nine failed Firefox installs... it's probably a user error but it's a lot more fun to blame microsoft)

Jerry Seinfeld has a lot of money and use to be on a really funny show. Other than that... why is he on the Oscars? Will somebody please tell me why Nicholson has no hair?? An Inconvenient Truth just won. Guess they didn't pray enough at Jesus Camp. Also, I'd like to thank Al Gore for inventing the interweb so that I could be blogging & watching the Oscars at the same time.

Clint Eastwood has a huge smirk on his face, it's like he already knows he's gonna beat Scorsese again. Oh... mute. I don't know what he is blathering on about but Eastwood is old and boring.

And keeping with the mute as none other than Celine Dion is on my TV. I thought we sent her to Vegas permanantly... I'm not sure what is going on with her dress but the panels on the bodice are not as flattering as I think they are meant to be.

OK, maybe I should have been listening because now I'm confused as to why the chick from The Office is in the family balcony of this dude who Eastwood just gave a this award to. Not Pam but the one Jim is dating. In real life she is the daughter of Quincy Jones & Norma from Twin Peaks. Anywho - Quincy and her are sitting up there in the balcony with this dude's wife... why? Oh wait... I don't really care.

I am strangely moved by the robot commercial with the song from the opening scene of Bridget Jones' Diary. I do a great impression of that scene.

Howard Stern is so right about Penelope Cruz, you can not understand a word that comes out of her mouth.

Damn, why don't they start this show a little earlier? It's fucking 11:08 and it just keeps going and going. I've got things to do in the morning, OSCAR!

Mute. President of the Academy. One of the 142 things they could cut from this show so that I can get to bed at a decent hour.

Spiderman & Marie Antoinette!! Do you think Drunkst is ever gonna get her chiclet teeth fixed? Damn, Matthew Broderick wouldn't let the Little Miss Sunshine writer write while being his assistant? Harsh.

I just missed the last 15 minutes but I'm pretty sure I didn't miss anything good so let's pretend it never happened. In that time, I did like 26 things. It's called time management... Oscar needs to learn a thing or two about it.

It's the other white Kate. Kate Winslet. Cate & Kate are very pale chicks.

Here comes the death role call... Awww. Bruno Kirby. Awww. Don Knotts. Awww. A bunch of other people who were cool but who's names I am to tired to type.

Best Actress... that's a good sign. A good sign it's almost over. Helen Mirren... we can just skip the rest of the nominees, I think. And..... yes, I am right.

Reese Witherspoon continues her Tour of Look What You Lost Ryan and looks suitibly hot. But the Fug girls are right about that pointy chin of hers. Oh, best actor... Forrest Whitaker for some movie. Or is it really for his guest spot on ER? You never know w/Oscar.

Oh, they brought out Speilberg, Lucas & Coppola for the best director... how f'd up it would be if Scorsese lost again? Especially to Eastwood. And... YEA! He won! For which movie we will never know, but it's about fucking time. And the place goes wild! No seriously, this is the most awake the peeps in this joint have been all night. I'm pretty sure Cate Blanchett was just doing a happy dance!

I'm so delighted when the gorgeous Diane Keaton is not wearing those stupid gloves. Meanwhile, Jack is on stage and I still don't know why he's bald. Oh, The Departed just won.

And it's over! I'm going to bed.